Just For Fun

A Variety of Things For Fun

Some of the following were sent to us by e-mail. Sender may have no idea who owns the copyright. If you know, please contact us at info@slightlycreaky.com. If any are placed here in copyright violation we apologize and will remove it immediately.

Old Wives' Tales Revisited Part 1

 

Old Wives' Tales Revisited

I always objected to calling handed-down parables “Old Wives’ Tales.” While it’s true my mother had dozens of them, she was not so old when imparting her often unscientifically unfounded tidbits of knowledge.  I had an uncle that could talk for an hour expounding upon life’s most important lessons. My all-time favorite was, “Do not use another person’s comb because you will get cooties. And you know they cause dandruff.” 

We don’t seem to hear many of these any more, but when you do they frequently make you stop and think (often about the sanity of the person who said them).  Here are some favorites:

This month:  Food

  • “Chocolate causes acne.”  Scientifically there is no proof of this, but it may reduce heart attacks, lower blood pressure, and increase libido.

  • “Candy will make your teeth rot.”   Depends on what type of candy and how well you brush and floss your teeth.  Jelly beans do not cause decay yet sugared cereal is a major culprit. 

  • “Eating carrots will help you see in the dark.”  Why?  Carrots themselves cannot see in the dark (or in bright light for that matter).  They do contain beta-carotene, which can be a factor in fighting macular degeneration, but most fruits and vegetables contain beta-carotene.

  • “Food should be mixed clockwise.”  That probably was originally devised by the guy who said, “A watched pot never boils.”  If the pot starts to boil the cook is in bigggg trouble.

  • “A littler salt will bring you luck.” Along with a greater chance of hypertension, diabetes, obesity, and water retention.

  • “Do not bring eggs into the house after dark as it is bad luck.” Does this mean we have to take our eggs and store them outside over-night?  No eggs after sunset in a hen house either?

  • “If two women pour from the same pot one of them will have a baby within a year.”  Even if they are in their 80s?  A sure cure for infertility.

  • “Drop a slice of buttered bread butter side up and a visitor will arrive.”  If this was true, restaurants all over the world would have hundreds of butter-side up bread on their floors. Would make for some interesting lawsuits.

  • “Feed a cold, starve a fever.”  So if you have above normal temperature it’s OK to starve? 

  • “Spicy food causes ulcers.” Actually, and my body knows this from personal experience, ulcers are caused by bacteria (60%), some medications (20%), smoking (up to 10%) and a slew of miscellaneous causes.  Spicy food is not one of them.

  • “Carrying garlic can prevent curses caused by the Evil Eye.”  Carrying garlic will cause more people to look at you strangely, and avoid being with you. Not too many people know how to use the Evil Eye any more, so we’re probably safe. 

  • Throwing of rice at a wedding will bring prosperity and happiness to the couple.” It may also cause the birds that eat it to die.  And just try to get that rice out of your hair.  It’s easier to remove cootie-caused dandruff.

Compiled and written by Slightly Creaky co-founder Hal Rosengarten

Old Wives' Tales Revisited - Part 2

Old Wives' Tales Revisited Part 2

We don’t seem to hear many of these any more, but when you do they frequently make you stop and think (often about the sanity of the person who said them).  Here are some favorites:

This month:  Hygiene and Health

  • “Sucking your thumb will give you buck teeth.”  In most cases, “buck teeth” have genetic causes.  Of cause if you’re still sucking your thumb at age 27, the result may not only be buck teeth, but very few dates.

  • “Four out of five dentists surveyed recommended ….”  Well they only surveyed five dentists and all of them accepted the bribe.

  • “If you cross your eyes, they'll stay that way.”  Try it.  One minute, not a problem.  Five minutes, no big deal.  Three hours: migraine.

  • “Cracking your knuckles causes arthritis.” Nope.  It may, though, cause a bloody nose if you do it too frequently in a bar.

  • “Wrap a bruise or sprain in brown paper.” Well, it will not cure anything but people will not be looking at the bruise.  Try it.  Especially if you have a black eye.  Paper shopping bags work well in such cases.

  • “Putting butter on a burn eases the pain and improves healing.”  Only if you’re an ear of corn.

  • “If you go to sleep with your hair wet, you’ll catch a cold.”  Also “Don’t go outside with your hair wet, you’ll catch your death.”  There is a correlation between body temperature and getting sick, but not moisture.  If you are wet, and that causes a drop in body temperature, it may slightly decrease your immunity.

  • “Popping a pimple or blackhead on your face will cause the infection to enter your brain.”  If true, that may explain the current situation in many high schools. But it’s inaccurate.  It may lead to unattractive scarring, social isolation, and oozing skin.  Thus those who pop face pimples may have had previous brain problems.

  • “Walking with bare feet will give you worms.”  If this were true, fishermen would never wear shoes.

  • “Touching a toad will give you warts.”  Only if the toad is selling them.  But touching a toad may cause the transmission of salmonellas

  • “If the palm of your right hand is itchy, money will be coming your way. But, if you scratch the right hand while it is itchy, it’ll keep the money from coming.”  If this were true, I’d keep a feather in my pocket and own IBM.

Scientific Conversions

Scientific Conversions

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2.. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

The New Alphabet

The New Alphabet
Alpha1

 

A is for arthritis;
B is the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

Alpha3

H is for high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

Alpha4

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
         just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

 

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

 

W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y is for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

 

 

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,

and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

Just for Pun

Just for Pun

The Rise of Puns

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for ittering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

18. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

19. A backward poet writes inverse.

20. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

The American $1 Bill

 

The American $1 Bill

On the rear of the One Dollar bill, you will see two circles.  Together, they comprise the Great Seal of the United States .
  American DollarThe First Continental Congress requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal.  It took them four years to accomplish this task and another two years to get it approved.

If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a Pyramid. 

Dollar Pyramid

Notice the face is lighted, and the western side is dark.  This country was just beginning.   We had not begun to explore the west or decided what we could do for Western Civilization.  The Pyramid is uncapped, again signifying that we were not even close to being finished.  Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing eye, an ancient symbol for divinity.  It Franklin's belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group of men, with the help of God, could do anything. 

'IN GOD WE TRUST' is on this currency. 

In God We Trust

  The Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, 'God has favored our undertaking.'
  The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means, 'a new order has begun.'  
  At the base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776. (MDCCLXXVI)
 
If you look at the right-hand circle, and check it carefully, you will learn that it is on every National Cemetery in the United States It is also on the Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery, and is the centerpiece of most hero's monuments.  Slightly modified, it is the seal of the President of the United States, and it is always visible whenever he speaks, yet very few people know what the symbols mean. 

Eagle

The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory for two reasons: First, he is not afraid of a storm; he is strong, and he is smart enough to soar above it. Secondly, he wears no material crown.  We had just broken from the King of England.  Also, notice the shield is unsupported.  This country can now stand on its own.  At the top of that shield you have a white bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were coming together as one nation.  In the Eagle's beak you will read, 'E PLURIBUS UNUM' meaning,'one from many.' 

Above the Eagle, you have thirteen stars, representing the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of misunderstanding rolling away.  Again, we were coming together as one.
 
Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons.  He holds an olive branch and arrows. This country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze turns toward the arrows.
 
They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number.  This is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor.  But think about this:
 
13 original colonies,
13 signers of the Declaration of Independence,
13 stripes on our flag,
13 steps on the Pyramid,
13 letters in, 'Annuit Coeptis,'
13 letters in 'E PluribusUnum,'
13 stars above the Eagle,
13 bars on that shield,
13 leaves on the olive branch,
13 fruits,
and if you look closely, 13 arrows.
 
And finally, if you notice the arrangement of the 13 stars in the right-hand circle you will see that they are arranged as a Star of David.  This was ordered by George Washington who, when he asked Hayim Solomon, a wealthy Philadelphia Jew, what he would like as a personal reward for his services to the Continental Army, Solomon said he wanted nothing for himself but that he would like something for his people.  The Star of David was the result.  Few people know that it was Solomon who saved the Army through his financial contributions but died a pauper.

A True Senior Moment

Received from a Slightly Creaky visitor:Old Lady

What a Waman Wants in a Man

What a WomanWants In A Man! 

§ Original List: 
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32) 
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks roman ce at least once a week
 
§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car…J
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52) 
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

§ What I Wa nt in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) 
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

2009 Business Terms

2009 Business Terms

  • CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer
  • CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer
  • Bull Market: A random market movement causing investors to mistake themselves for financial geniuses
  • Bear Market: a 6- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance
  • Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower
  • Broker: What my financial planner has made me
  • Standard & Poor: Your life in a nutshell
  • Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks
  • Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the drain
  • Institutional Investor: Past-year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse
  • Profit: An archaic word no longer in use.  

Up

Up


Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. It is yet another example of why people learning English have trouble with the language.  Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language. (But then, that's probably true of many languages.)   


There is a two-letter word in English that perhapshas more meanings than any other two-letter word,

 and that word is 'UP.'

 

 It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? 
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use ! it to brighten UP a room,polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. 
At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. 

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this up is confusing: 
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped  UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.We seem to be pretty mixed UPabout UP ! 

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add  UP to about thirty definitions 

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. 

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. 

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now  ........my time is UP , so time to shut UP! 

The Colombian Fisherman

The Colombian Fisherman

Have you ever wondered what benefits earning more money would bring?

In a small coastal town in Colombia, a boat comes in to port. An American businessman standing on the dock compliments the Colombian fisherman on the quality of his catch, and asks him how long it took him to catch these fish.

"Not very long", answers the fisherman.

"Well why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?" queries the gringo businessman.

The Colombian fisherman explains that the few fish he has caught are sufficient to meet his family's needs.

The American asks, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

Ï sleep late, play with my children, and take a siesta. In the evening I go into town to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a good life"

The gringo then interrupts, "Listen, I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day and then you can sell the extra fish you catch."

"With the extra revenue, you could buy a bigger boat. With the extra money a larger boat will bring in, you can buy a second one and then a third one - until you have an entire fishing fleet. Then you will be able to open your own processing plant."

"Änd after that ?" asks the Colombian fisherman.

"When your business gets really good you can start selling stock and make millions!"

"Millions! Really? And after that?"

Äfter that you'll be able to retire, to live in a small town on the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take siestas, and spend your evenings playing the guitar, singing, and drinking with your friends!"

By barrumundi on Oct 4, 2009, in Friendly Talkzone. Reprinted with permission.

The Perks of Aging


The Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

 13. You sing along with elevator music.

 14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

 16. Your joints are more accurate than meteorologists on the national weather service.

 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

 19. You can't remember where you read this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. And Remember:

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Old Wives' Tales Revisited - Part 3

Old Wives' Tales Revisited - Part 3

I always objected to calling handed-down parables “Old Wives’ Tales.” While it’s true my mother had dozens of them, she was not so old when imparting her often unscientifically unfounded tidbits of knowledge.  I had an uncle that could talk for an hour expounding upon life’s most important lessons. My all-time favorite was, “Do not use another person’s comb because you will get cooties. And you know they cause dandruff.” 

We don’t seem to hear many of these any more, but when you do they frequently make you stop and think (often about the sanity of the person who said them).  Here are some favorites:

This month:  Animals

  • “Cats can steal the air from a baby's mouth.”  Why would they want to?  Have you smelt a baby’s breath recently?

  • “An ants' nest near your door is a sign of financial security in the future.” Unless those ants are termites.

  • “A bird flying from the north means trouble is coming.”  They must have lots of trouble in Florida during the annual migration season.  

  • “If a bird dropping lands on your head you will have good luck.”  Not if you just walked out of the beauty parlor.

  • “When a cat claws at a table leg there will be a change in the weather.”  We have three cats; one of them is always clawing at something. 

  • Meeting a herd of cattle on the road will bring you good luck.”  In 1990 near Escalante Utah, our motor home met a herd on the road, and sat there four five hours, along with dozens of other vehicles, until the cattle were cleared out.

  • “A cricket is a lucky house spirit that takes its luck away when it leaves.” A dead cricket can leave behind bacteria that can cause diseases especially in children that might be crawling on the floor. 

  • “A howling dog at night means bad luck.” Or a citation for noise ordinance violation.

  • “Throw back the first fish you catch then you'll be lucky the whole day fishing.”  Unless that was the only fish in the pond.  

  • “Any man who eats roasted owl will be obedient and a slave to his wife.”  As well as a slave to the state until he pays the fine for killing an endangered species.

  • “To get rid of a wart, peal an apple and give it to a pig.”  OK, someone explain the rational for that one to me. What do you do with the rest of the apple?  Or do you then eat the pig? Or does the pig eat the wart?  

  • “Swallow a toad in the morning and you will encounter nothing more disgusting the rest of the day” Finally, one I can agree with.

Texting Abbreviations for the Elderly

Texting Abbreviations for the Elderly

 
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing…
And Can't Get Up
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
LOL: Living On Lipitor
OMG: Oy, My Grandchildren!
OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
WTF: What's Today's Fish?
WTF: Wet The Furniture
IMHMO: In My HMO…
RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
GTG: Gotta Groan
TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four (Four O'Clock – Early Bird Special)
FWB: Friend With Betablockers
FYI: For Your Indigestion…
JK: Just Kvetching
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
MILF: Meal I'd Like To Forget
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
MGAD: My Grandson's A Doctor
SUS: Speak Up, Sonny
WIWYA: When I Was Your Age
GOML: Get Off My Lawn

Old Wives' Tales Revisited - Part 4


Old Wives' Tales Revisited - Part 4

I always objected to calling handed-down parables “Old Wives’ Tales.” While it’s true my mother had dozens of them, she was not so old when imparting her often unscientifically unfounded tidbits of knowledge.  I had an uncle that could talk for an hour expounding upon life’s most important lessons. My all-time favorite was, “Do not use another person’s comb because you will get cooties. And you know they cause dandruff.” 

We don’t seem to hear many of these any more, but when you do they frequently make you stop and think (often about the sanity of the person who said them).  Here are some favorites:

This month:  Children

  1. “Wearing shoes will help a baby learn to walk sooner.”  If that was true then we could assume that wearing a training bra at age 4 produces earlier puberty or that wearing glasses, as an infant would prevent vision problems.

  2. “Don't step over little kids. If you do, then step back over them right away, otherwise they won't grow.”  Ever, not at all?  Not even one more inch?

  3. “Step on a crack, break ya Momma's back.” Considering that men have more back problems than women, perhaps this one should be reworded.

  4. “Don’t use your hands to make funny faces or your face will get stuck that way.”  What will happen to your hands?

  5. “Masturbation causes blindness.”  It doesn’t?  Now you tell me.

  6. “When you discard fallen hair, spit on it three times to ward off the evil eye.”  Yeah?  And when your mother sees you spitting on her clean floor she’ll give you a lot more than the evil eye.

  7. “If a lizard falls on your head you will become a king/queen.“  Unless it’s your 60 pound pet iguana.

  8. “Pregnant women with acid reflux will give birth to a child with lots of hair.” So the baby’s hair somehow affects the production of acid in the mother’s digestive system.  The nose bone’s connected to the knee bone……

  9. “Turning a child upside down will flip his liver.”  Taking that a step further, shaking a chicken will produce pate.

  10. “If a child eats bread crusts she will develop curly hair.” I have currley hair, or did until I went bald.

  11. “The more children a woman has the more teeth she will lose.” The corollary is, if you don’t have any kids you will never lose any teeth.   

  12. “If you blow out all the candles on your birthday cake with the first puff you will get your wish.” And everyone who eats a piece of the cake will catch your cold.

  13. "A frog brings good luck." How?

Discover a Great Reason to Laugh Out Loud Now

Discover a Great Reason to Laugh Out Loud Now

Serious people Beware! You are entering an area where your seriousness is under threat.

If seriousness is your forte, be alert to the symptoms of laughter that's contagious. Run for cover as you feel your mouth corners twitch and unexpected giggles push themselves up continuously - sure signs you're becoming addicted to laughter.

No! The laughter doesn't stop there! Ever seen the rolling on floor emoticon? Holding the sides, down on the floor with tears rolling down the cheeks? That's hitting the peak of laughter, and it is addicting, too.

John had a parrot. The parrot had a bad vocabulary and an equally bad attitude. John tried his best in all possible ways to teach the parrot to clean up its vocabulary. It only got worse with the parrot's rude behavior.

Irritated by the parrot, John caught the yelling parrot and stuffed it into the freezer. There was silence.

Worried about the parrot, John pulled it out of the freezer. He was amazed to find the parrot on it's best behavior, using completely appropriate language. John understood completely when the parrot quietly asked, "By the way, what mistake did the turkey make?"

Laughter makes us lose control of ourselves by retrieving our playfulness and innate sense of being light-hearted.

A heart patient won a billion dollars in the lottery, and his friend wanted to make sure the news was passed on to him slowly. He approached the heart patient and asked him, what would you do if you happened to win a billion dollars in the lottery? The heart patient stated that he would surely share it 50-50 with his friend. Shocked by the heart patient's reply, his friend dropped dead!

There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened. Needless to say, the heart patient belonged to the third category.

Is there any difference between humor and laughter? Humor is the cause of laughter and laughter is the effect of humor. Trigger your sense of humor to bring out the laughter. Humor is an intellectual capacity to perceive something funny, and laughter is a physical reaction to the stimulation of humor.

A Conversation between God and Man

Man: How much is a second for you?

God: a second equates to 10000 years

Man: What is penny equivalent to you?

God: a penny is one million dollars

Man (mischievously): I am poor so can you spare me a penny?

God: Why not? Give me a second.

Practical jokes live in memory and prank gifts make an ideal item for the young and the old. To play a practical joke or give a funny gift brings moments to cherish forever to those involved.

Laughter and humor help us fight stress by reducing anger and worries. Humor and laughter should be a part of everyday life - a way to bring back the natural smile that is often lost in our transition from childhood to adulthood. Let the child in yourself delight in the following statements made by children:

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

Liter: A nest of young puppies.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

An Amusing Look at the Days of the Week

An Amusing Look at the Days of the Week

The week is traditionally made up of seven days of equal length and depth. Depending on your preference, the week starts with either Monday or Sunday and ends with either Saturday or confusingly Sunday again. The names of the days of the week are based either on numerical or planetary meanings, such as Saturday which takes it name from Saturn, the planet.

The days of the week are associated with various things including, emotions, people, numbers and cakes. Sunday is ideal for cake. Sunday gets its name from being the day when it was most sunny when they picked names for days. It is generally considered the most religious day of the week, as shops and that used to be shut although not anymore.

Now shops are open, Sunday is not considered to be as religious, especially as Sunday league football has got more popular and a lot of these games are played in the morning. Other things that regularly happen on Sunday are the Eastenders omnibus for people who missed episodes in the week and newspapers add more pages and charge more.

Monday's child is fair of face, according to the traditional folk rhyme. So, where does the name come from? Monday is named after the moon, simply remove one of the middle vowels and it would be mon, then add day on the end. The day of the moon is the least favourite of many people as it is usually the first working day of the week.

Sir Bob Geldof, of Band Aid fame, wrote and sang a song called I Don't Like Mondays, also Garfield the cartoon cat doesn't like it but didn't sing about it, he just looked miserable and made dour comments. Mondays are not very popular, although if you are unemployed every day is pretty similar as you don't have to go to work.

Tuesday is the second or third day of the week. It traditionally occurs after Monday, but also after Sunday, although it never happens straight after Sunday as this space is occupied by Monday. It is named after the planet Mars, although the relationship between Tues and Mars seems stretched at best.

Wednesday is not named after the number four, which is where it is positioned in this article's list of days. It is actually named of the god Woden, from the Anglo-Saxons in about the 7th century. Wednesday is the middle of the traditional working week and children born on Wednesday are full of woe.

Thursday's child isn't full of woe, but maybe they should be. Many woeful things have happened to people born on Thursdays, almost as many as those born on Wednesdays. Named after Jupiter, Thursday usually has good stuff on TV including Never Mind The Buzzcocks and The Apprentice, although that may have been moved to Tuesday for the most recent series.

Friday is when most British families eat their traditional meal of fish and chip pie. This is deep-fried during the day, while the family is at work, leading to the day being called Fryday. The name was changed as it clashed with a local pub's quiz night, Pete's Fryday Quiz Night, and so the spelling was adapted accordingly.

Saturday is the best day of the week by a country mile. A country mile is longer than a normal mile, although I thought a mile is a mile no matter where it is. Sixth or seventh day of the week, it doesn't really matter as long as you don't have to work. Saturdays are for football, and is named after Saturn as it looks most like a football out of all the planets.

The Beatles once wrote a song called eight days a week, their claims have never been backed up by evidence of any kind. There is still just the traditional seven day week that we are taught at school, although rock stars always try to push the boundaries of the status quo. Status Quo never claimed that there was ever eight days in a week.

 

About the Author.  “Enrico” is an expert Research and Travel consultant.

From http://www.content4reprint.com

Paraprosdokians

 

Paraprosdokians

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Are You Old Enough To Know Better?

Are You Old Enough To Know Better?

By: Knight Pierce Hirst
 
I'm tired of hearing people complain about how old they are. It makes me wonder if wisdom really does come with age. Picasso thought it did. In his later years he wasn't allowed to be alone in an art gallery because he'd been discovered trying to improve one of his masterpieces.

Age used to be important to me. I could hardly wait to be six to go to school, thirteen to be a teenager, eighteen to be legal and twenty-one to be everything else. Now I'm at a point in my life when I think age is just a number - and like other numbers, I forget them.

I remember my mother referring to the guys I dated as young men. Now I'm referring to men under thirty as young men too. I don't know when my perspective changed. Maybe it was the same time men under thirty started calling me mam.

The longer I live, the shorter my memory gets. I go upstairs and forget why I went. Someone's name is on the tip of my tongue and that's where it stays. There are more post-its around the house than there ever were PTA notices. Thankfully, my husband understands. He puts his arm around me and says those three, little words I need to hear - write it down.

The older I get, the more I forget - which could be a symptom of SDS - Seventh Day Syndrome. If God hadn't rested on the seventh day, he could have changed a few things. We could have been born old and got younger every year. Instead of forgetting, we'd know more. In fact, we'd know more than our parents - which is what we thought.

The older I get, the faster time seems to pass. When I asked my grandmother if she thought this phenomenon was caused by a chemical change in the brain and if she experienced it too, she said she used to until she stopped wasting time worrying about it.

Now I walk errands instead of run them. I don't try to keep up with the Joneses or try to climb the social ladder because I'm rung out. I don't mind standing in line because it gives me time to remember what else I was meant to buy. The only lines I worry about are worry lines; and if I need to lift my spirits, I use my love handles.



About The Author-- KNIGHT PIERCE HIRST takes humorous looks at life. Take a minute to make yourself smile.

Article Source: Articles Island

More to Come

Membership Contribution Page

Submit your suggestions for this page to info@SlightlyCreaky.com

The Obvious Legal Statement.

The folks at Slightly Creaky are volunteers. None of us get any salary or compensation in any form. We are not a corporation, just a few folks working out of our houses. If anything on this site bothers you, if you notice mistakes, please let us know.

While we do maintain editorial rights, things slip past. The submitted columns and news articles belong to the contributor(s), not to the Slightly Creaky team. We are simply a vehicle bringing you information to the best of our ability. We have no control over the sites we link to. Web site contents frequently change. If you find anything improper, objectionable or not working, please notify us.

Be sure to read our complete Legal Information and Policies